Current location:	Bedroom
Current mood:	restless

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I should be asleep.
I have an interview at 11am for a data entry job in downtown Vancouver. It looks like it could be a good job. It's for a big company that will give me a referance at the end of the contract. It's a good company to have a referance for.
It's 4:30am. So I should be asleep.
But I'm not
My mind is buzzing, thrumming with energy, with thoughts that won't let me sleep.
Because I have to be honest with myself.
The past few months... life has sucked. Everything went downhill after he left, things crashed into the solid concrete wall that my life became. I was still doing somewhat ok. I called into work the day he left, but after that I went back to being a productive member of the workforce.
I should still be working.
Things happened, private things, and my employment with Sears Portrait Studio was terminated. It was part time and I was having a hard time getting shifts, not a huge loss.
Except that I have no money. So I should still be working.
But I'm not.
I'm broke as heck because of the loss of job. Thankfully tax returns are coming up, so there may be a minor increase in cash flow at the end of the month. Even that thought proves that money can't buy happiness, because I still sit here wondering where the hell I'm going with my life.
I should be happy
These past eight years I haven't been. I've battled depression, anxiety, insomnia.
I have good friends, a decent life. So I should be happy
But I'm not.
I was... breifly, two weeks ago. I was up on stage, dancing and for those five minutes of time, I was happy. I lost myself in it. It's been so long since I could be happy while I danced that I nearly didn't recognize it for what it was. 
I should be alone
I have now not one, but two people who were in pretty dire situations, living in my home.  I don't mind helping them.  I hate seeing people in rough situations.  But one of them is using me, something I've just started to recognize and confront them about.  They haven't changed the situation.
I need to relax.  So I should be alone.
But I'm not.
The thing is... I'm not sure I mind it.  I mean, yes, imposing on household, but my room is still my room and I can still run away when I need to.  It's nice to know that there are people there, that I'm a little safer now that there is three of us.
So here I sit.  Awake when I should be asleep, jobless when I should be working, suffering when I should be happy and smothered when I should be alone.
I should... should should should should.
I'm so sick of that damned word....
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.... didn't.

Someone help me...