Current location:	Bedroom
Current mood:	sad

I'm Sorry...

I'm writing this out so that when I get the chance to speak to him, I don't forgot to say anything...

I don't know where to begin when I say I'm sorry.  I've hurt you in so many ways over the past four months that a simple "I'm sorry for..." wouldn't cut it.  The list would go on forever.  The worst part is that I didn't even mean to hurt you.  Every word that spilled out of my mouth that was hurtful, every "game" that I seemed to play... I didn't mean for it to happen.  I didn't mean for you to get hurt.

The worst part is that right before this last big hurt happened, you and I had just started being able to talk to each other without tension rearing up it's evil head.  We talked for two hours that one night, laughing over differant names you could use when you changed your name.  I think for the first time since... the time of before, I felt that maybe we could be friends again, that maybe one day we would have the connection we had before all of this happened.

I wasn't stable back when this hurting all started.  I wasn't ready for the strain that comes with every polyamorous relationship.  I know that now.  The unfortunate part is that I should have said something when my doubts first came into play.  By the time I said "no" it was too late and I lost you and our shared lover all in one fell swoop.

I can't promise that I won't open my mouth, let the words spill out and then think about what I just said.  I have my oops moments.  But I am changing - it is a slow and meticulous process, but I AM changing.  The promise I can make to you is that I can try.  That when I speak the stupid words, I will open my mouth up again and own up to the fact that I made a mistake.  Take responsibility for the hurt I cause.  The words WILL come out less because I do want to be differant.  I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else, like that, ever again.

I don't know that you'll ever let me speak these words to you, so I can't help but hope that you'll read them and understand me when I say, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.  So so so so very sorry.  And that no matter what you think, or anyone else thinks: I love you.  Some part of me always will.  I just wish I'd been able to show you when I had the chance.